im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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