I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
