They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
