i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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