so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
