ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
