I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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