You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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