Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
