So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
