dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's like a pop up book from hell.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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