someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
as a side note pls kill me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
