Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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