how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
