thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize