she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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