Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
