oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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