whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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