if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
NoShamevember. You game?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
