I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
