I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
