halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
