you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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