We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
