Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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