Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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