The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
