im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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