So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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