Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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