I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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