You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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