I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize