i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
