The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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