Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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