I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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