i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
