you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Of course I have a pirate flag
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
