I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
