o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
