Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
