ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize