Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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