Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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