Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
