Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
COCAINE IS GR8
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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