The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
