There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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