Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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