There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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