I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
