One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
oh god was she eating orange peels again
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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