So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
