the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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