I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
